Life's at an all time low, what a shocker. It's getting harder and harder to deal with the pain, i can feel it even when i don't put pressure on it. I randomly get disoriented and cold sweats. The shadows are still alive as ever. How can i be becoming crazy when in definition I'm supposed to be not able to admit it. I'm seeing too many things that can't be true, and its getting harder to tell whats real or not. I'm finally becoming what I've always feared. I have to be a loner so i don't hurt anyone with what I'm becoming, in that, the more I stay away from reality the more the shadows haunt me. Why is this happening now?

sometime i cant see, through the darkness of the world. all the hate, ignorance, and stupidity concealed in the misty crowd of favor. why is it that the little good is out-casted and obscured as time continues? as time pass, memories fade, but feelings never change. again i fly high, among clouds of faith, but only one sight shines through. at hearts dis-content beneath the face or shell's untrue, my eyes conceive overwhelming grace as one love shows true. i wither only in shadows as a friend if even, no change of more only opportunity for less. love that transcends only time in heart, unable to shake the pain of loss. i cant be true to my willingness to give in, afraid to show weakness again and be hurt. as i try to live with opposite just a shroud of guilt, lies always told of lessons learned in past. I've learned from past driven mistakes but with that of the past, chances non-existent in present, and un-hopeful future. trouble in negative paradise, untruth lies of time heals all, unforgotten always. here i lay, alone un-prosperous, miserable darkness enshroud.

the air is heavy, as a weight on my shoulders. getting harder to tell truth and reality, as my eyes again and again deceive me. the world slowing down as every breath is heard, time stopped only as misery pursues. in this crippling anguish, fear engaged in sight, too afraid to shut, mirror into soul. unable to complete a final thought, unwilling to stop the pulse against time.
here i lay, shutting the door to reality, terrors unimaginable, undeniable, unstoppable.

so here i am, hardcore depressed like always, insomnia ensue...
no life, no money, no job, no school, and crippled forever. the throbbing pain in my leg is gonna be there forever if i don't get the money for the surgery which may or may not fix me. I'm using up the last of my savings and the money is going nowhere, all to painkillers and uppers. painkillers zomg, yeah, reason being is that that's the only way I'm able to actually walk regular without falling over from pain, and uppers to counteract the drowsiness from the painkillers. the worst part is that the pills help my pain, but i cant even concentrate when I'm on them, like my mind wanders so easily like i have add or something. so what should i do, take the pills i cant afford to walk regular and not have hardcore throbbing pain constantly but result in being stupid, or don't take them and suffer from pain, causing me to act like a dick sometimes and even get the sweats if its bad enough. i don't know, i just have the shortest fuse when my leg hurts. i already have a throbbing pain constantly and i cant take anymore shit. sad part of this whole thing is that I'm almost out of pills and i haven't the money to fill another prescription. bah, who wants to hire a crippled with no handicap-able privileges. yeah, i limp like a bitch and still don't get disability, or even that stupid temp handicap parking. someone either find me a job, get me a life, or fucking kill me right now, cause all this shit isn't worth it anymore. why am i so cursed to a life of pain and sorrow?

ps: once again, im seeing the shadows and having night terrors every time i close my eyes. when will all my fears just leave me alone for once...

is quality vs quantity really that important?
what if it turns out to be the quality of nothing verses the quantity of lies?
ones only mirror is a truthful friend but what happens when the one person that is the looking
glass to your soul fails to catch a glimpse, or even have the strength to show it?
humanity fails again and again to show what actually lies beneath the soul.
truth never prevails because the good never need try, why bother if the good guy always finishes
last in reality. only the evil win them all. in truth, whats the trade off from good morales. if
you have a heart to care, it'll only get stepped on and broken over and over. what is the reward
for good deeds, in nature happiness only occurs when actions bring reward. human nature only
crystallize over time; a story told from mouth to mouth, memory through memory, obscured over
time. things change, real morales get crushed from day to day. now the only question is, which
shards will you pick up?

So yeah, I just turned down an offer for a free tour of china with a beautiful girl who actually likes me... I just don't want to plague others with my depression and slow everyone with me being hurt at the moment. I guess lets start from the beginning of it all, where time left me and started my misery. After gustav the girl I had a crush on for awhile moved away because of the storm. That pretty much broke my heart cause I thought she was the perfect girl for me. I went into deep depression and pretty much could be mistaken for Cotard's delusion. I started slipping into what I feared the most, I started going insane. I started seeing shadows and having nightmares of shadows haunting me in ways unimaginable. It got so bad I suffered from a seven day insomnia, that abruptly ended in me taking a bottle of sleeping pills and going to the hospital for the OD. I met this amazingly beautiful girl in the hospital visiting her sister. We spent hours talking about all things random and she got my number in the end. We talked constantly for a week and she ended up coming over the next weekend. We watched movies and played games the whole time and it got so late she just ended up sleeping over. So I guess in this moment, I found myself a new cuddlebuddy. I guess it was time to move on from my ex anyway, her having a bf now and all. So weekends of spending time with her ended up in me falling for her. The night before unknowingly our final weekend, I asked her to be my girlfriend, she said yes. Sadly said, we only lasted that weekend. She said she needed some time apart from me because she has just come off of a hurtful relationship. Dropping into depression again, I started going to fun arcade everyday for hardcore pump to get my mind away from things. The next weekend, my leg pretty much went out and started hurting too much for me to handle, that sunday I went to the hospital to get it checked out and I went straight into surgery. apparently I suffered from a "deep vein thrombosis" as a symptom of my stupid ass leg thingy, akali blah blah I don't know how to spell it. All they did was take out the dead tissue and cauterized the burst. a night in the hospital and a whirl of hospital bills later, and admittance to physical therapy, I was now in debt and crippled. So I guess weeks later, now here I am, crippled and depressed. My leg is getting better but its weird, its not that I can't entirely use it, its the pain of me putting pressure on my leg that makes me limp. It's basically like your leg falling asleep, then you feel that tingling when you put pressure on it. Now multiply that tingling by like a thousand, I'm just under the pain scale of prescription painkillers because I don't have the money for it and I don't want to be drugged up. I started talking to a long lost friend and she offers to take me with her to a tour of china, and I refuse. I'm not taking people down with my depression and rehabilitation. She sends me pictures of her at places though, which is nice. So here is where time leaves me, alone, depressed, and wanting more. I only have two close friends i actually talk to at the moment, one being around the world at the moment and even when she's not she's across the country, and another still recovering from a hurtful relationship. here i lay, take me as i am, a broken, heartfelt consumed, mess...

...great friends...i did anything and everything i was asked...never really tried hard to get what i wanted...always trying to help...and thought i got the same in return...it may not seem like it but he pretty much was the best outside of school friend i had...no we didnt talk much but shit...everyone else i talk to i talk in small sentences or small doses...it feels real great being fucked over by the person who you held in such high respects...someone you thought you could always count on for anything...i never really asked for much...tried to bother as least as possible...always stuck up for him...even when it was something like cutting the pump line when he pleases...thanks dude...thanks for fucking over someone who actually looked up to you...in not just pump...take your problems out on anyone else...but not me...

11 at night and im really worried something happened or something...its prolly her falling asleep with her phone on vibrate or something like that but im still worried...i havent talked to her since like 5 and iono...i hope she just fell asleep...cause im worried she got hurt or kidnapped or something...like her mom or yaya got her pissed and she walked out the house and something happened...im afraid...T.T

well that was a little past bi-polar...yes valentines does mean a lot and i was thinking of things to do all along but was freaking out on me for not having an idea yet really necessary?...iono...i hope thats a pre-dying emotional burst or else that was really uncalled for...i did nothing wrong and i got called a bad boyfriend...thats really low...i dont even believe im a bad boyfriend anymore...im a good fucking boyfriend is all i know...i do almost everything she wants...try 24/7 to make her happy...and sit through almost anything she likes that i dont...now tell me how that a bad boyfriend...and what do i get in return? you tell me? i am in this for making her happy but is it really worth it if shes gonna do this all the time...i try and try and try and i just get insulted and degraded...and i still dont see why im proving my love 10x harder if she keeps telling me i would be better off with someone else...i know it isnt true but shouldnt that give you the incentive to try harder to keep a person...to hold on if you really care...to be selfish enough to keep that person for yourself...iono...im soo confused...this is too wierd and depressing on my side with getting insulted every time i try and all...seriously...ouch...>.>

What does it feel like to know the world and how things really work and no one believes you? To be outcasted for truths be unseen or logic unbroken by words. It is bad knowing the world's future but still don't know your own. What happenes when no one believes you or even takes the time or thought to listen? Who would believe me? No one ever does >.>...it's hard to tell a deaf person to his ear alone. Love can't be broken if it's pure. Not looks, qualities, compatibility, or convenience can change true love. It's a feeling, when pure, is true. If it's true love, which is almost impossible to come across in today's society, nothing can persuade, change, or reverse it. If it's there, it's there for eternity. What proves love? A butterfly in the stomach? A sweaty palm of just the thought of holding hands? A smile that cant be moved upon sight? How can it even be measured? What is true love? Why say it if the person who means the most won't listen??? >.>...T.T

...iono...heres my place to scream and shout for the time being i guess...iono...too many things in my life right now...im failing english, religion, and civics currently...all because of bitch teachers and not my fault...almost got suspended today for arguing with the teacher and actually being right...have a math project to do thats due next week...have a social injustice paper due next week also for religion...some projects for civics that i dont even know about...im afraid to say anything in class because it might be something towards teachers...because im fed up with every word that comes out of any teacher's mouth...i currently really have no place to really discuss life or express myself because im afraid of going back...i dont want her to worry so i dont want to go back >.>...i just got graduation packets and shit to do like act for college...i still need a liscence and a car...i need a way to express myself in a positive way...some problems here and there with her...T.T...her life is frustrating at the moment so its not really helping any for her or me...i feel bad because i cant do anything for her...if i dont graduate then my whole plan is shot...i have no fucking idea what the hell my trig teacher is saying...sounds like fucking modern chinese characters to me...with random greek letters and english letters in there...i cant keep up with all the work my teachers are giving me...no one will even reason with my suggestions...i keep getting threatened with disciplinary action everytime i open my mouth...im losing touch with almost every friend i have or did have...im becoming an emo or already am one...tears fall without me even thinking...and depression hits like a brick fucking wall...iono...it feels like those three years of "thinking" might come back...i guess im just having an all around bad lifetime...>.>...i cant even keep my life undercontrol anymore...<.<...x.x...

...T.T...just like br...but at least it was a little lighter this time...im just having an all time bad day...ds got taken by some fucking racist as hell principal...i take a math test and have no idea wtf its on...get a religion test back(failed)...and found out i have like 2 F's already for this quarter...and on top of that...those two stupid fucking flowers said shes cheating on me and i wont ever catch her or find out...what are the odds of three negatives in a row...>.>...iono...fucking flowers make me uneasy now cause she sounded a little iffy today...iono...maybe just all in my head but now that guy i feared is single again and on the prowl...>.>...is more worse case of cinnamon going to happen...cause he actually sees her everyday...T.T...i feel uneasy about things...

iono...been fustrated lately...with school, life, and more life...iono what to do...i feel bad too cause i been taking some of it out on her...unintentionally of course...but im just having a short fuse with everyone lately...been more stupid too to try to take life off my mind...and im a little uneasy about the cinamon sitiation too...i really dont see the big deal if i talk to a friend...i mean...she has soo many friends that like her...and she talks to them constantly and sees them constantly...but i talk to a few friends not much, and dont ever see them...i really dont want to be the little no friend emo with the hot popular gf...i mean i know jealousy takes over sometimes but shit...dont i get jealous that most of her friends are guys and like her at that...and she sees them constantly...i have quality few friends and barely talk to them so she doesnt get any ideas...i cant do that...im bottling too much...and cause ease it cause she really doesnt want to listen...cause i know i do the asshole thing...i know im stupid when it comes to letting shit out and showing knowledge on things...thats really just how i am and i hide it soo much so i dont come out as an asshole to most people...thats what i have my few quality friends for...iono...its just also frustrating me that her situation is worse than mine but yet im the one who is supposed to ditch my friends to be with her...not really...but kind of...>.>...i mean, dont get me wrong...i love being with her...its the world to me...its just...i just feel like the bitch from time to time...not that she treats me that way...its just how things turn out most of the time...iono...i guess this is me thinking again...i dont mean any of this in a bad way towards anyone...im just stupid and emo and like to get shit out like this sometimes instead of bottling every single thing...well...time to let all this shit out somewhere else so i can get responses...off to nuhserv

...iono...good i guess...and yay...next monday we make half a year...^.^...school was somewhat good and suky today...fucking aircondition was broke...but it meant...dont do shit and sleep or play games...like...well...thats usual anywhays...lol...but not playing my DS LITE!!!...hehe...only payed 60 and its pretty much brand new...i hope my friend brings me the game tomorrow...but really...iono...blah blah blah...talking talking talking...the end...or is it...still typing...not stopping...but will...riight.........now

...T.T...im so stupid...but i love her...and dont want to ever let her go...so i hope i can be forgiven and iono...i wish i didnt do that...i wish it didnt come out like that...im so stupid...

...aside from the walking off thingy...it was fun...no real bad fits and before we left to go in public...it was awsome!!!...lol...^.~...iono...not much to tell...blah blah blah...i had a good time...^.^...heres for your request for a good post...not saying the name...or pointing out anyone who said i should...*points at mehan*...MEGAN!!!...lmao...

...iono...im always suspicious...i know im not supposed to be but shit...she can get anyone she wants...i just think one day she'll take advantage of that...and i wouldnt even have a clue...and she probably realizes that...we're so far away all the time...and theres nothing that can really ease my mind about her cheating on me...ever...she is everything i want...but also everything everyone else wants...and im afraid she'll cheat on me...for the times im not there...i know its mean but iono what could happen...i could just be the play toy...im not so sure...i think im not but you never know...girls can be so wierd...im just very suspicious cause she was acting wierd and now she suddenly has to go somewhere...so i guess i have the right to be suspicious...>.<...how come she has to be so...everyone wants her...cause i know if ever she wanted to cheat...she would get away with it...and you never can trust someones morale these days...who knows...i could get the "i still love you, but i liked him too" or the "it was a mistake, i love you"...i know i think very stupid but ive been through too much heartbreak...so my image of girls morale has been shattered many times...think one thing...do others...and i find it that girls can change while "in the moment"...iono...cry on the inside...show nothing on the out...mourn in private...happy in public...T.T

...blah...was a looong day...short ending...well, it started off with going to the mall...good good...took my shower but forgot to put smell good on...oh shit...bad mistake...i didnt hear the end of it...smell good this smell good that...i really hate it cause it seems like im not good enough without soo many things improving me...an eyebrow piercing would look good, smell good, earrings...most of the time it passes me by but it really gets to me...i mean...it feels like im not good enough just me...i need things helping me out...it seems as though it'll be that easy for someone with all that shit i dont have to just take her away...that bothers the shit out of me...cause i know im not much...im just the scrawny little ugly asian that no one really likes...im just the person to go to when there is a problem or something...someone who you can use then put on the shelf...and i hate that...i hate being just that...its either that or im just the private time play toy...well...i mean, we do hang out in public...but it doesnt seem like we're even close friends...we're like those ppl you know but dont really talk to when it comes to public situations...like im just there and she's waaaayyy over there...i feel as though at days end, im not even on the scale of attention...im just that guy...im not an attention whore...but i would at least be the one with the most attention from her by days end...i could at least get that much...i mean shit...we get anywhere in a public situation and her instinct is just to ignore me...or always be busy talking to other ppl...shit...i talk to her friends more than we even talk when im with her...pretty fucked up on my part...i dont want to say she treats me bad in public, but she does kind of >.>...i mean, i love it when we're in private...we never fight...we're inseperable...but its that whole other story when it goes public...i feel like such a toy to put on the shelf when ppl come over...like that game you pause when all your friends show up...we did talk about it and she is supposedly supposed to try to realize it now...but i really doubt it...i dont want to lose her, but i dont think i can stay someones private time play toy...sometimes i feel as though only that word is keeping us together...i was soo close today...and she also...but i realize what i might be losing...and i dont want that...but i cant take my pride and everything i stand up for just pushed aside and only cared about if im either a. alone and there is no one else to keep company or b. am pissed, mad, or emo...i dont want to use the word pity but i always feel as though thats what it is...like theres nothing better to do so i guess i'll just hang out with him...or damn hes mad, i should really try to cheer him up...i dont want it to be confined to that...like i need to do shit just to gain a little attention...i should at least get most of the attention from my gf if not all...i dont have much...at least show that you care...ive been too much shit in my life...ive spent years awake at night...either thinking about life/stuff, or fucking reading poetry or philosophy books...im well read outside of the common books so why does no one notice...everyone believes im just cocky or just a "think you know it all"...can i at least get a little support from her...can someone actually listen to me and not try to argue from experience from common knowledge...im not saying ppl are stupid...im just saying learn something before debate...well...idk even how the fuck im off the subject but for now...i just need her to realize what she does to me...to also realize what i am...and to figure out, im always there and want the same in return...this is not a one way mirror...i give what i expect to get out...most of the time...i am always there, and expecting the same in return...help expecting someday it will come back...i want her to be my support for the things i do...and my strength when i need it...its hard when we argue about "stupid shit"...i dont think there is such thing...there is a reason behind everything...sometimes, the little things DO count...i put thoughts, opinion, sense, strength, memories, heart, and soul into my everything...i hope to put everything in.................and end up with nothing in the end...take the risk, dont regret...i dont want to regret this one...i want this one to be there for everything...please dont leave me alone in the dark...afraid to speak, afraid to sleep, afraid of the world...against the voices, the screams, the comments...

...T.T...thats all i have really to express...i think im going to lose her...and i will have nothing...T.T...